We Existed. We Didn’t Live.

What I don’t talk about is what it was like to watch the love of my life want to die.

I am already haunted by watching my mother, the first love of my life, die. Then I had to watch the second love of my life put a gun to his head, want to die, and just fight for another day every single day.

That’s not someone you just leave.

And that’s not the only reason I stayed. But was it part of why I stayed? Absolutely. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about where I was going to be. There was nowhere else I wanted to be but right next to you.

I understand self-hatred. I understand living inside your own head because I do it too. I just escaped differently. I used food. I escaped into books. I stayed in bed. I did nothing.

And eventually we did nothing.

We existed. We didn’t live.

I wasn’t always this way. I don’t even know when I got this bad. But that’s not a lie. I fucking hated myself. I couldn’t stand being with myself. I didn’t want a life anymore.

And watching you drink 12 drinks a day, every day, for at least a year was so fucking lonely. It was terrifying and gut-wrenching watching someone I loved rather do that than try to fight it with me.

We both gave up.

And I’m sorry to say it, but I feel like I gave up because you gave up on me.

I’m not saying that to take credit for anything you’ve done or become. You did that. But I did everything I knew how to do to fill you up because I fucking loved you. Healing you was never actually something I could do, but God, I wanted to.

All I ever wanted was to show you that you could have everything you didn’t get before. I wanted you to have the life you didn’t get growing up.

I wanted us to have it together.

And realizing you didn’t want that is crushing. It is soul crushing because I waited so fucking long for that life. There was nothing I wanted more.

I meant it when I told your dad I was going to carry on that name.

Even when some of my old dreams started disappearing, I created a new dream with you.

And then, I didn’t get that one either.