You Were The Love Of My Life. You Were All I Had.

I was so lonely. So fucking lonely.

And I need you to understand the difference. I gave up on myself. I did not give up on you. I did not give up on us. But somewhere along the way, I felt like you gave up on me.

What I looked like was literally how I felt. I stopped taking care of myself because I stopped caring about myself. I felt like I was walking around in this darkness alone, except I wasn’t actually alone. I had you. And now that I don’t, I’m realizing just how much of myself I gave up.

Because when I take you away, what do I have? Staying in bed all day? Doing nothing? That’s not healthy. I gave up on everything except you. You were all I had.

Last night I didn’t want to sit at home, so I tried to make plans. I couldn’t find plans, so I sat in a parking lot by myself. I read a book on my kindle. I listened to music.

I’ve been finding really good music lately. I’m finding my words again. I’m finding pieces of myself again. And maybe that’s what I have to do now, even if I have to do it by myself.

What hurts the worst are the things you say to me as if I’m someone who would betray you. As if I would do these things to you when I never did. I never gave you a reason not to trust me. Haven’t I at least deserved that?

Six months into our relationship, I told someone, If I stay, I don’t think any of my dreams will come true.

And that’s not just about you. It’s about me.

I fucking gave everything.

We found each other in our darkness, and you know what? We kept each other alive. But I also think we dimmed each other’s flame.

I think I gave up part of my flame trying to restore yours. But I never kept growing. You grew. I just sunk.

That’s the difference.

I shouldn’t hate myself. I shouldn’t be unable to stand being alone with myself. But I was done. I had given up on me, and you were all I had left.

So when you look at me now and wonder how I could give this up, that’s what I wish you understood.

You were the love of my life. You were all I had.

Imagine how hurt I had to be to finally choose being alone over that.