One Day At A Time

I’m not a woman who dates. I’m a woman who loves.

But I’m also not a woman who is in a place where I should be in love right now. Or even attempting to be.

I need to focus on me.

And that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy sex, intimacy, or having someone in my life. I can fuck to fuck. I can enjoy that connection with one person without needing to turn it into something more. I’ve been clear from the beginning that I’m not interested in multiple people, and that hasn’t changed.

But something else needs to change.

As much as he’s helping me, I cannot allow him to become the only thing that’s healing me. Because then I’m doing the exact same fucking thing I’ve always done.

I’m codependent. And the hardest part of admitting that is realizing I genuinely don’t know how not to be.

I allow myself to change depending on who I’m with. I’m a chameleon in the worst way possible. I adapt to the person I’m with, sometimes so much that I lose parts of myself without even realizing it.

And that’s not healthy.

My dad recently told me he hasn’t seen me this good since I lived in my apartment in Byron Center. That was 14 fucking years ago.

Fourteen years.

And I think that says a lot about who I become when I’m in a relationship.

Because the person I am in relationships isn’t always the person I actually am.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m an amazing partner. I know that. I’m a catch. I have so much to offer someone, and I’m not going to downplay that anymore.

But I need to learn how to be an amazing partner without sacrificing the person I am.

I need to be able to love someone without changing myself to fit into their life. Without giving away pieces of myself that nobody even asked me to give. Without making another person responsible for my happiness.

And if I try to be in a relationship right now, I know I’ll keep doing it. I’ll keep giving parts of myself that I don’t have to give, or breaking them off entirely because I think that’s what being a good partner means.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I keep talking about making a bucket list of all the things I want to experience. The adventures, the places, the things that scare me, and the things I’ve always wanted to try.

But I need another bucket list.

One for all the things I need to work on within myself. The patterns I need to recognize. The things I need to learn. The parts of myself I need to understand better.

Because I am nowhere near ready for another relationship, and that’s okay.

And then there’s Kyle.

Of course I’m going to have emotions with him. I already do. I’m not going to pretend otherwise or convince myself that I can just turn those feelings off.

But we have boundaries. We communicate. We talk about things, even when they’re uncomfortable.

And I need to keep doing that.

I need to stop being so fucking afraid to say what I need to say. I need to trust that I can express myself without it having to mean something is wrong or that I’m going to lose someone.

More importantly, I need to understand that he is not going to fix anything for me. Nor do I want him to.

I’m so fucking thankful for this friendship. For the conversations, the honesty, the encouragement, the connection, and yes, all the perks that come with it.

But I need to enjoy those things for exactly what they are.

I don’t need to figure out what this is going to become. I don’t need to wonder what tomorrow means or where any of this is going.

Because that’s another thing I need to work on.

I spend so much time thinking about what’s going to happen next that I forget to enjoy what’s happening right now.

And right now, I’m doing better than I have in a very long time.

I want to keep doing better. Not because of someone else. Not for someone else.

For me.

I want to figure out how to be completely myself, whether I’m alone or with someone. I want to learn how to enjoy a connection without losing myself in it. I want to be able to love someone someday without making them the center of my entire world.

But I don’t need to figure all of that out today.

One day at a time.

That’s it.

One fucking day at a time.