Stop Overthinking And Just Live

I’m trying to learn how to live like everything is fleeting. Because it is.

People, experiences, opportunities. None of it is guaranteed. And I’m done wasting time worrying about what something might become instead of enjoying what it is right now.

I’m not going to spend another two years grieving something or putting my life on hold. I’m not going to keep overthinking every decision until I’ve talked myself out of doing something I genuinely want to do.

If I want to do something, I’m going to fucking do it.

And if I decide I don’t want to do it anymore? I can say that, too.

It really doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.

But there’s something else I’m recognizing about myself, and I think it’s important.

I’ve spent so much of my life keeping people at a distance. I’m unbelievably good at it, actually. I don’t want to burden anyone with what I’m going through, so I don’t talk about the things I probably need to talk about most.

Instead, I’ve relied almost entirely on romantic relationships for emotional connection. And when I find someone I connect with, I tend to give everything immediately. All the attention, affection, effort. Everything that should naturally develop over time, I try to give all at once.

And I’m starting to understand why.

My view of myself has been so fucking low that there was a time I couldn’t even look at my own reflection without crying.

Imagine that.

Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing exactly how terrible you feel inside.

And nobody noticing.

But I can’t really blame anyone for not noticing when I’ve worked so hard to make sure they couldn’t see it.

That’s something I need to work on.

Because I don’t want to keep living that way. I don’t want my only meaningful emotional connection to be with someone I’m romantically involved with. I want friendships. Real friendships. People I can talk to, learn from, disagree with, laugh with, and just enjoy being around.

I think my favorite thing about our friendship is this.

Talking.

Seriously. These conversations are probably my favorite part.

We can have completely different perspectives and still have respectful, meaningful conversations. We can challenge each other’s thinking without turning it into an argument. I can talk about things I normally wouldn’t, and I trust you enough to actually listen to what you have to say.

And I think that’s incredibly valuable.

I also think these conversations can help me work through some of the darker things I’ve been avoiding.

Because I know there’s grief I haven’t fully allowed myself to deal with. And I know that continuing to avoid it isn’t going to make it disappear.

I’m not asking anyone to fix that for me. I know that’s something I have to work through myself.

But I think having people in my life I can genuinely talk to is going to be part of that process.

And I don’t want to turn every conversation into something heavy, either. I don’t want to feel like every couple of weeks I’m unloading everything I’ve been keeping inside.

Although, calling myself an emotional brat isn’t fair, either.

I’m allowed to have emotions. I’m allowed to talk about them. I just need to find a healthier balance.

Because I also need to cool my fucking jets, get out of my head, and enjoy what’s right in front of me.

And I genuinely enjoy this friendship.

You’re a delight to talk with, and you’re a delight to fucking fuck.

That’s a pretty damn good friendship, if you ask me.

But even without sex, I enjoy spending time together. We do things. We’re social. We have fun. We talk about things that matter. And I trust you.

I don’t need to know what that looks like six months from now. I don’t need to figure out where it fits into some bigger picture.

I just want to appreciate it for what it is today.

And that’s really what I’m trying to do with everything in my life.

Stop putting so much pressure on every experience to mean something more.

Stop treating every connection like it needs a destination.

Stop wasting the present trying to predict the future.

Because I’m finally doing things I want to do. I’m cooking. I’m getting out. I’m trying new things. I’m making plans. I’m enjoying experiences instead of just thinking about having them.

And I want to keep doing that.

I don’t want to spend my life preparing to live it. I want to actually fucking live it.