Both Things Can Be True

I was told that this person I’m being is fake. And I argued that it wasn’t. But in actuality, maybe it was. Not because I was pretending, but because I genuinely thought I had changed that quickly. I thought I had somehow moved past the sadness.

But the sadness doesn’t just go away.

I’ve been doing everything I can to keep myself occupied, to focus my brain on other things, different viewpoints, different outlooks. I’ve been bombarding my brain with positive things, and it has helped. I don’t think any of that is fake. But I think I’ve been so focused on moving forward that I convinced myself I was further along than I actually am.

Because when everything stops, and I’m just sitting in this house, the sadness starts creeping back in.

But I don’t think it’s the house itself. I think it’s the memories in it. I need to start creating my own memories here. I need to make this house my own. I still haven’t even decorated because I’ve been holding myself back. But nobody actually told me I couldn’t. So why am I waiting for permission? I need to just do it.

I’m realizing I’m not out of the sadness yet. And I need to recognize the things that make it worse. Like smoking. When I smoke, I can’t turn my brain off. Everything I’ve been keeping myself occupied to avoid thinking about suddenly comes rushing back. I feel all of it. Then I obsess over it, focus on it, and keep pulling myself deeper into that sadness.

So I sit outside and experience.

And maybe that’s something I need to understand better. There’s a difference between keeping my mind focused on positive things and actually allowing myself to feel what I’m going through.

I don’t think the person I’m becoming is fake. I think the happiness is real, the change in perspective is real, and the effort I’m making is real.

But so is the sadness.

And I think I need to stop expecting one to mean the other no longer exists.