Sunday, October 4, 2026

Walking into a new church alone is still scary. I’m carrying a lot of sadness and I’m still angry with God. I don’t understand why someone as devoted to Him as my mom was had to suffer the way she did. I know she’s with Him now, but that doesn’t make the anger disappear. Maybe going back means accepting that I can be angry with God and still try to find Him again.

A friend recommended The Refuge, so today I went. There were maybe 30 people there, and nearly everyone made a point to welcome the new face. I cried, which I fucking hate doing in front of anyone, let alone strangers, but something about this place kept pulling me in.

I’m looking for somewhere I can belong without becoming a different version of myself. I want a family, and I’m realizing that doesn’t necessarily have to mean a husband and kids. Maybe some of it can come through community. Maybe some of it can come through church.

And then the weird little connections started.

Before the sermon even began, they talked about an outdoor vertebrate study. Nature. Science. At church. Okay, you have my attention. Then the previous pastor spent several minutes talking about gypsum underneath the church. Rocks. Fucking rocks. Of course.

Then the sermon was about rebuilding.

Of course it fucking was.

The message that kept coming back was that faith has ample space for both grief and fear. I don’t have to stop grieving, stop being angry, or have everything figured out before I walk through those doors.

Then he talked about how they don’t always fit what people expect a church to look like. Sometimes people think they’re weird.

Come be weird with us.

Science. Nature. Rocks. Grief. Fear. Rebuilding. Being weird. No masks. Come exactly as you are.

All of that in one hour.

I’m not going to throw myself into everything or decide after one Sunday that I found exactly where I belong. I’m just going to go back next week.

But I know I was supposed to be there today.

I went looking for some kind of connection with God, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt like He knew exactly how to connect with me.