I Miss Her.

When I worked there, I think I was the most me I have ever been.

People knew the tiny, intricate, completely random details that made me who I was. They knew I don’t turn left. They knew I hated pickles. They knew I was the OCD freak with multiple calendars who would sit at the bar studying and still work my ass off. They knew I organized everything. They knew I could be loud, ridiculous, and completely comfortable being the center of attention.

They also knew not to fuck with me.

For the longest time, nobody even believed I had feelings. I was cold. I had this hard exterior, and I liked it that way. But somehow, those people still knew me underneath it. They knew all of those weird little pieces of me without me having to explain who I was.

And I don’t think I’ve realized until now how much I miss that.

Now I find myself telling people stories about who I used to be instead of actually being her. Nobody here really sees me. Not because they’re incapable of it, but because I don’t let them. I don’t trust anyone enough to.

That’s a crazy realization to have when I genuinely love my job and love where I work. I trust the people I work with to do their jobs. I just don’t trust people with me.

I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want my old life back. I just want to find that version of myself again. I want to let her out. I shouldn’t have to keep hiding pieces of myself or slowly giving them up because they’re inconvenient for someone else.

And that’s where the harder realization comes in.

Nobody made me give those pieces up. Little by little, I did it myself. Maybe someone asked. Maybe something about me bothered them. Maybe changing myself made something easier or kept the peace. But I still made the choice.

Everything was my choice.

That’s part of the problem. Maybe one of the biggest parts.

I became so good at adjusting myself to make life easier for other people that eventually I stopped noticing how much of myself I was putting away.

And now I don’t want to go back and find her.

I want to figure out how to be her again.