I Know What I Didn’t Do

I’m sick of being punished for things that I never did.

I didn’t cheat. I didn’t lie. I didn’t misguide him. But somehow, he can’t trust me. We’re not even together anymore, and that man can still just fucking make me crumble. And it’s not fair.

He acts like I broke him because I walked away. Like I’m the one who fucking did this.

I’m the pathetic one who let it happen three times before I finally said I had enough. Three times that I know of. And like I told him today, I never lied to you. I never misguided you. You did that. And you never would have told me what you did any of those times.

And now he asks me, “How is this so easy for you?”

Because I deserve better.

I don’t deserve to compete for the attention of the person I’m in a relationship with. I don’t deserve to sit in fucking silence because I’m annoying. Or because I supposedly beat him down. And the fucked-up part is, I started to believe all of that.

I know I’m not perfect. I know I have things I need to work on. But I’m not a mean person.

Someone joked with me today about what happens when I’m backed into a corner. But I was backed into a corner so many fucking times, and instead of lashing out, I just took it. I took it and started believing that I was the problem. I started believing the things he said about me.

I don’t anymore.

He is his father’s son. His own mother once told me that the Hall men have a way of making you lose your spark. And the only thing he never did was put his fucking hands on me. But emotionally? Mentally? Fuck. He ripped me apart.

And somehow, he’s still doing it, and we’re not even together.

I don’t even have a way to fucking escape right now except sitting in a Meijer parking lot trying not to lose my shit. And I’m sick of feeling pathetic because of it.

But I also know there is nothing left for me to explain. You can’t make someone listen who doesn’t care to hear you. You can’t make someone take responsibility when they don’t believe they’ve done anything wrong.

That’s the end of it.