Fear Doesn’t Get To Decide Anymore

I’m taking my life back tomorrow.

And apparently that starts by doing all of the things that absolutely fucking scare me.

Not because I suddenly stopped being scared. I’m still scared. I’ve just finally run out of excuses for why I can’t do the things I already know I need to do.

Church. The gym. Jumping out of a fucking plane.

And seeing Mom.

I’ve made excuses for all of them in completely different ways, but underneath every excuse was the same thing: fear. So tomorrow I’m just going to be scared and fucking do them anyway.

I need to go see Mom. I need to just lay there for a while. I don’t even know how long. I don’t know what I’m going to say or what that’s going to feel like, and maybe that’s exactly why I’ve avoided it.

And then I’m going to jump out of a fucking plane.

There is something almost hilariously perfect about that.

Because tomorrow isn’t about proving that I’m fearless. I’m very clearly fucking not.

It’s about realizing I don’t have to be.

I can go to church scared.
I can walk into the gym uncomfortable.
I can go see my mom knowing it’s going to hurt.
I can stand at the edge of an open airplane door absolutely terrified.

And I can still move.

That’s the part I’ve been missing.

I don’t need to stop being afraid before I start living.
I’m taking my life back tomorrow.

And I’m starting by showing myself that fear doesn’t get to make my decisions anymore.