This Is About Me

I absolutely cannot wait to go skydiving.

But I have to go skydiving by myself first.

I really am enjoying experiencing firsts and having fun doing them. But I also know that if I don’t continue doing things on my own, I’m going to start attributing the confidence I’m building in myself to him. Like I can only be this version of myself because he’s here.

And that’s not healthy.

Everyone has their addiction. Their drug of choice. Mine is love.

That’s such a weird thing to admit, but it is. I want to be loved more than almost anything in the fucking world, and I don’t think I have a healthy understanding of what love is supposed to look like.

That’s probably one of the most important things for me to figure out right now. What does healthy actually look like?

Healthy in myself. Healthy in friendships. Healthy at work. Healthy in relationships.

Because I don’t set boundaries.

Or maybe I do at first, but then I just keep moving the fucking line. A little here. A little there. I make an exception. Then another one. Then another one. Until eventually I look around and realize there isn’t a boundary anymore.

I’m incredibly disciplined in some areas of my life, and then I’m so fucking weak in others.

And I’m not saying that to beat myself up. I’m saying it because if I don’t face these things, talk about them, write them down, and recognize them, then how the fuck am I ever supposed to change them?

How am I ever supposed to improve how I see myself?

Because it genuinely makes no sense how much I hate myself.

It doesn’t.

I couldn’t even tell you exactly why.

And maybe that’s something I need to start changing too. Even just the language. Maybe I stop constantly saying I hate myself. Maybe changing the mindset really is that fucking small at first.

I need to write the three fucking affirmations on the board.

Three.

Something that simple, and I struggle to come up with three things to say about myself.

And immediately my brain goes, That’s stupid. That’s pathetic.

But girl, what the fuck?

That’s not me.

I became that fucking frog that sat in the water while it slowly started boiling and never jumped out.

Well, I finally fucking jumped.

And now I have this completely different look at my life, and I don’t want to waste it.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to rush into something. It doesn’t mean I need another person to give all of this meaning.

But I am going to start saying yes to the things I actually want to do, no matter what it is. If I enjoy it, I’m doing it.

I want to take chances.

I want to do stupid shit.

I want to go skydiving.

I want to have experiences that are mine.

Because I didn’t live for a long time. I sat there. I did nothing. I isolated myself from everyone except one person, and that is so fucking unhealthy.

We both did shit.

Actually, stop.

This isn’t about him.

It’s not about what he did. It’s not about anyone else.

It’s about me.

And I think for once, it needs to be.